The Kiss My Hash House Harriers outgrew their "terrible two’s" by turning three years old. For three years, KMHHH has been running around San Antonio terrorizing the small fury woodland creatures, and contributing to the local economy by assuring local beer sellers are never at a loss for customers. Founding members Backdraft and Scratch N’ Sniff were present and were honoured with pints of lager at the Down-Down.

Whether by navigating by the north star, Global Positioning System tracking, or just dumb luck our esteemed RA, Deep Throat somehow managed to zen to the end of the trail. Besides actually finding the end of the trail within two hours, he even snared one of the hares, Le Femme Nikita. The Hares: Le Femme Nikita, Backdraft, Fire In The Hole, and Rear Ender were made to drink and drink and drink not only for being snared, but for being late with the beer to the Down-Down.

Virgins: Leg Iron, Twat Strangler, Captain Catheter, and No Name Nick were taught the ways of the KMHHH beginning with the winner of this week’s Front Running Bastard (FRB) award. Tits Everywhere arrived first at the Down-Down, while Captain Catheter, Gee Whiz, Tekillya Tits, Miss September, and the rest of the San Antonio Hashers all shared the Dead Fucking Last (DFL) award.

The whiners this week were few, but Deep Throat was determined to give up and impart the Mop Squeezer Award upon someone else. First, he tried Rear Ender, for complaining about having to drink for not doing anything. Next, he tried the San Antonio Hashers who complained about the beer they brought being flat. Then no Mop Squeezer award could be given without mentioning Horses’ Ass. But alas he finally had to settle on giving the mop to Rear Ender and Fire In The Hole because they blamed being late with beer on waiting for Deep Throat at the beer check.

The Hashshit nearly didn’t find a recipient, but like all things, with enough patience a truly heinous act was committed. It wasn’t the Hares being late with the beer or Deep Throat moving around when pictures were being taken. It wasn’t even Tekillya Tits for putting chips all over Horses’ Ass while she slept at her pool party. The Hashshit was unanimously awarded to Roasted Nuts for insulting the hash softball team, Wicked Shiggy’s perfect record (0-5). Roasted Nuts tried to cheat by pitching most of the beer behind him, but Up & Out was right there to "help" him out by pouring an extra pint of lager of his head. This led to a flurry of dousing and alcohol abuse by both.

The Stud Award went to Tekillya Tits, for getting cut on a barb wire fence and still continuing to run the trail. The stud award was missing, but Seven Year Bitch and Up & Out provided Tekillya Tits with wood. They dragged a five-foot piece of drift wood into the circle and presented it to her.

The No Blows were many, all the San Antonio Hashers along with Sooey, Twat Strangler, Leg Iron, Captain Catheter, and Ram Butt. Accusations of Violations flew and beers were downed by Up & Out; Chicken Phucker; and Deep Throat for using Christian names; Doggie Style for pointing; Backdraft for his private parties; and Scratch N’ Sniff for alcohol abuse. Multiples for the anniversary run included: Tekillya Tits (5), Seven Year Bitch (10), and Chicken Phucker (20). Our only Non-Apparents were Horse's Ass and Fists of Fury.

Anal Flower was a double winner of the Jerry Lewis Award for his two lousy jokes about giraffes and nun’s in heaven. They were far, far worse than Scracth N’ Sniff’s Taco Bell dog joke and Bronco Boy’s sexual harassment joke.

From there the group headed out to Finnegan’s for an evening of beer, pizza, and merriment. All were subdued or as subdued as any hasher can be, except for Horse's Ass and Chicken Phucker. Asses were in danger of being kicked out as they raced around the bar playing musical chairs.

On-On
Fire In The Hole