Hash Trash

 Gray skies and summer rain greeted hashers as Anal Flower, Fists of Fury, and Rambutt set off to hare the trail for the 80th running of the Kiss My Hash House Harriers. The hounds followed the trail through the rain, over the river, through shiggy, under fences, up hills, and through several flowing creek beds. The hares warned that the trail would be filled with shiggy and water hazards and they didn’t disappoint.

A wet and muddy, but pleased pack of hounds finally arrived at the Down-Down. All agreed that it was a good trail. Unfortunately, it wasn’t quite good enough as the hares were snared in the final creek bed by Moby Dick, who also earned the honor of Front Running B*st*rd (FRB.) The opposite of this award is the DFL or Dead F*cking Last, which was awarded to Hard On Attacks’ proud visiting parents, Brenda and Rick.

Deep Throat began the Down-Down this week with the Stud Award, which received more attention than usual. This was due to Fire In The Hole, who cloned the stud, to one fifth its original size, or "mini stud". This week’s nominees for the Stud Award were: Backdraft, for running a marathon relay that morning on zero sleep and also for having to be protected by five bouncers the previous weekend from a woman whom he insulted at a bar in front of her husband; and Moby Dick, who that morning at the relay gave water to an injured woman who fell. But Begging For It was the winner of the "mini" Stud Award hands down or rather pants down for getting on stage the week before at Howl at the Moon and doing the chicken dance while striping all the way down to his underwear. There was a great deal of concern about the welfare of the stud, but like Bob Dole on Viagra - we’re sure maximum length will be restored by the next hash.

A blue moon must have also been hanging over the Down-Down because when it came to the Mop Squeezer Award, Horses Ass was nominated yet received not a single vote. We’re noting this because we’re sure it has never happened before and are pretty sure it won’t ever happen again. Moby Dick was nominated too for the bruises on the inside of his thighs, which he claimed from riding a mechanical bull…sure they were Moby! Instead the mop was awarded to Fire In The Hole, for whining about the stud being a pain to run with. And to earn the not particularly coveted triple crown, Fire In The Hole was also awarded the Hashshit, for making everyone think she had "bobbitted" the stud, proving once again size does matter!

In addition, there were several hashers who earned Multiples: Anal Flower (15); Backdraft (55); Horse’s Ass (25); Little Woody (35); and Rambutt (20).

There were many Violators of Hash traditions, but after a few cold beverages they didn’t seem to mind. They included: Backdraft, for using Christian names; Roasted Nuts for pointing; Rear Ender and John Doe for leaving trash on trail; and Fire In The Hole for a "private party." Rambutt and Seven Year B*tch were "no blows" and had to drink for forgetting their whistles. Finally, we came to Non-Appearance, where we recognize those hashers who’ve somehow managed to avoid entering the circle and partaking in a cold beverage. They included: Up and Out, La Femme Nikita, Rambutt, No Name John, Anal Flower, Scratch n’ Sniff, Fists of Fury, Bronco Boy, and Seven Year B*tch. The night was rounded out with a fierce competition for the Jerry Lewis Award. La Femme Nikita might have won. So might Scratch n’ Sniff, Moby Dick, or Little Woody. Bronco Boy and Chicken Phucker made valiant efforts as well, but to everyone’s surprise, Anal Flower out did them all with his "French Flies" joke.

There was one final special award to be given on this evening. In lieu of Miss September, Moby Dick presented Chicken Phucker and Begging For It with a special award to mark their rotten luck as first time hares several weeks ago. The boys were cursed from the start. Begging For It received a speeding ticket on the way to the start, the boys driver missed the beer check, they were caught and de-pants, the beer lost the pack at the Down-Down (we did NOT lose the beer, it lost us!), the shag wagon got a flat, the police stopped at the Down-Down twice to check for underage drinkers, and finally - all the vehicles at the start had to be moved under the threat of being towed. So hence forth Begging For It and Chicken Phucker shall don "13" necklaces at all hashes lest they or us ever forget.

ON ON.

Fire In The Hole