STICK MAN’S MOST EXCELLENT ADVENTURE HASH HOUSE HARRIERS RUN #57

The hounds found the trail pleasantly short, all those except REAR ENDER and her Zenning Fool partner, DEEP THROAT. They were mislead by the muddy markings and ran twice as far as the rest of the pack. This made it easy for us to present the DFL hat, DEEP THROAT was the honored recipient. This is why you cautiously follow any hound arrow marked DT… There were no complainers on the trail (except for maybe the guy who’s car I hit with the stud) so we invited the HARES, 4H and UP AND OUT, to enjoy a beverage of their choosing. After we harassed the hares, we felt it prudent to ply the newest members of the Hash with libations so that their obvious advantage of having more brain cells would be decreased. These young VIRGINAL WANNABEES were No Names Korosh, Steve, John, and Patrick. DRY HUMP, the new champion of the world for Zenning, was the FRONT RUNNING BASTARD. The MULTIPLES were CAMEL JOCKEY, FRUIT LOOP, PHOQUE EWE, and HIGH MAINTENANCE with 10 times, BACK DRAFT with 35 times, and me, IMMACULATE MARY, with 50 times. Our only 5 timer, Lisa, was presented with the honor of being named on this fine evening of tiny, 7^th-grade gym shorts, and tiny 5^th grade brains. There were some interesting stories about Lisa, it seems she has a bit of trouble controlling her gastrointestinal urges in public forums and she finds 4H’s penchance for sports bras a bit disturbing. She is also an excellent athlete, some would say fanatical, even, the way she rides her bike to go the Hash, just to join in on the running. Because of these and other inane stories that STICK MAN made up, we nominated the following names for your disapproval: Stinky, Punky, Tiathelete, Try Her, Rooter, Flatulence, Sportsbra, Never Comes on Time, Pole Cat, Where No Man Has Gone Before, and Pong Crack. (This was not the most glorious day for the KMHHH.) These names were not good enough, however (thank God), so Lisa will now and forever more be known as SUPER SILLY STINKY SPORTSBRA. (No one ever claimed Bud Light was good for the gray matter. Maybe we should switch to Shiner Bock!) The KMHHH STUD is a five-foot long slab of super smooth 2x4, which I noticed, STICK MAN could not keep his hands off of it. Our very own LIL WOODY crafted this masterful piece of work and I was entrusted to carry it on this week’s run due to my gazelle-like attempt to get to the beer first on the previous hashing occasion. This week, the stud was passed to Steve for helping HIGH MAINTENANCE climb up a hill. (I think his massive pectorals may have helped in our decision making process, also.) The HASHIT is a plunger filled to the brim with some delicious, or fetid, concoction that usually sits in the black plastic pit of the plunger for about 25 minutes while we argue and whine about who was the most heinous, then vote, then bully that person into drinking the by now molded beverage on their knees while we sing this really obnoxious song. Now, by this time, the beer was almost gone, so my note taking was sporadic and incoherent due to the lack of carbohydrates entering my body. I think BACK DRAFT was nominated for wearing a turtleneck during the summer, and I was nominated for ACCIDENTALLY ramming my stud into a hapless vehicle. However, I believe, FILTHY FAUCET FEASTER was awarded the plunger, mainly because he was so enthralled by STICK MAN’S shorts (or lack thereof). There were numerous VIOLATORS, individuals who violate the traditions of the Hash. They were JOHN, TONY, 4S, 4H, MASTER GATOR, DRY HUMP, IMMACULATE MARY (my notes say it was for :stupid ass shit"—I think I was getting a little tired) and Mari for new shoes and being so enthralled with that Horse’s Ass, STICK MAN. There were copious bad jokes, even ONE A DAY had to share with us. However, we all knew before he opened his mouth that STICK MAN would be victorious in telling us the most tasteless, inane, bad joke of them all. He did not disappoint!